Recovery From Co-Dependence: Learn What Co-Dependence Is and How You Can Actively Begin to Recover From it Right Now

What is Co-Dependence?

Co-dependence is a very common occurence in our current culture. It is not something to be ashamed about or embarrassed by but instead something to gain insight about. Once co-dependence is understood we can learn some tools for recovery from it.

Co-dependence always involves at least two people in a relationship. One form of co-dependence is when a person wants to be needed by a person who is psychologically dysfunctional. For example, a parent of a drug addicted child who continually enables them in their addiction by paying their bills, covering for them, making excuses for them, etc… The spouse of an alcoholic can be co-dependent when they step all over themselves trying to please the addicted partner instead of learning healthy boundaries and getting necessary help for their partner.

Co-dependency can also come in the form of two people who simply have not learned to communicate in a healthy way and use the weakness of the other partner to make excuses for or justify their own unhealthy behavior. Another form of codependency is when a person fears the rejection of others and so will do anything to please other people even at the expense of their own well being. They so desire to be loved and accepted that they attempt to do everything and be everything for everyone. Other people’s desires and wants end up being more important than our own and they try to please others at all cost.

Recovery from Co-Dependence

In his book Conscious Language, Robert Tennyson Stevens asks the following questions to discover whether you might be acting in a co-dependent manner:

• “Do you say yes, when you really mean “No”?
• Are you consistently aware of what others are thinking and feeling while you feel unsettled or fearful you may be the cause of some upset?
• Do you always check in with others about what they desire without checking in with yourself first?
• Even if you are doing for others, do you feel empty yourself?
• Are you indirect or vague when describing your needs or choices?
• Does bringing up something which will rock the boat stress you out?”

If you answered yes to the above questions, you may want to consider some tools for recovery from co-dependence.

The first step in recovering form co-dependence is realizing that you simply cannot please everybody and there is no need to try. People may get upset with you and that is just a normal part of life. You cannot be responsible for anybody else’s happiness. The best thing you can do for others is to become happy and loving yourself. Learn to stand up for yourself even if that means rejection by another. Usually if someone does not accept you for who you are it is more a matter of their control issues than anything that has to do with you. Some people enjoy controlling others and trying to please those people is futile. Find people to be with that are accepting and loving towards you. Those are the ones you want to spend time with, not the ones that would desire you to remain co-dependent. See manipulation for what it is and choose to move past it and not allow manipulative people to cause fear in you. Love them where they are, but have healthy boundaries with them.

Learn to be clear with others about what is acceptable and not acceptable for you. You can let people know these things in a gentle and loving way. Remember that if a person does not respect your boundaries, they are likely not a person you want to be seeking acceptance from. Instead of only being happy when you have made them happy, be happy yourself and share your newfound joy with them, it will be contagious!

If your co-dependency is at a level that you feel you need more help than what I have offered, you may want to seek help from a 12 step organization called “Co-dependents Anonymous”. There is also a book you may want to read called Co-dependent No More. Recovery from co-dependence is very necessary in order to live a healthy and fulfilling life.

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